Namaste, my friends. Thank you for taking time to join me once again. This entry finds me continuing just a little more on my own journey so far, giving you a better idea of how I came to be Rev. Jan.
After the most difficult year of my life serving as a pastor's wife in small town Sk, I began letting go of a few things which were no longer working for me. The headcovering was gone; the makeup was back; and THANK GOD so were the pants!!! Brrrr... have you ever tried -40 in a dress? I'm sure my long-johns added to the mystique... and that all of the women in that small prairie town new that I did not belong there! We beat a hasty retreat back to civilization, which in our case meant Calgary. It was during that year that I also gave up homeschooling, which was truly a sacrifice for me. I loved every minute of homeschooling my eldest daughter, and it was hard to let that time in my life end. However, finances dictated that I had to start helping with the family income, and I decided the best way to do that was becoming a medical transcriptionist, so I could work from home.
It was a lonely year, a good year, and a hard year. Again. But not nearly as hard as the preceding one, and we were a whole province closer to my hometown and beloved mother, which helped. Sometimes I would look out at those beautiful Rocky Mountains and just send her my loving thoughts, carried away on those Chinook winds. How I missed her, and longed to return to my native Okanagan Valley!
I completed my course. My marriage continued to unravel. Eventually, we made our way back to BC! This was a very difficult task, though it could have been a simple one. Suffice it to say, when our primary relationships are not doing well, all things suffer. When we do not learn the easy way, we must learn the hard way. And when tied on this planet legally and spiritually to another, we suffer right along with them if we are not strong enough. I wasn't - but I was getting there.
After a brief and nightmarish stint in the wrong part of BC, we eventually landed exactly where we were meant to - back in my home town! I should have been ecstatic, and part of me was. However, I had not had time to heal from the tumult and pain of the previous several years. My emotional pain had lead me to unhealthy habits, for which there was a price. On this particular day I was very happy and proud: My dear mother was receiving the Governor General's Award! Our family has never known such honor. We gathered for pictures with the mayor, who was awarding that day. Imagine my surprise when the photos came back and there was a great fat woman standing with her arm around my mother - wearing my outfit! Imagine my horror when I looked closely and discovered that the great fat woman was me. I was wearing all of the pain and stress that I had been carrying for the past decade or so.
This actually turned out to be quite wonderful, as it prompted me to take immediate action by taking my weight loss seriously. Within about a year I lost over 60 pounds, and went from a size 18 down to about a 4. It was crazy! I never looked so good! And I managed to stay that size for a full 3 days. But I digress... Along with the weight loss came a true awakening of my spirit. I gained confidence I had never felt before. I had a sense of power that seemed foreign to me. I began to realize, for the first time, that ANYTHING is possible if you are willing to do the work for it. This was a huge paradigm shift for me. I began to see that I deserved more happiness than I was receiving from my marriage - which lead to a whole heap of new problems. I entered marriage counseling and started reading many, many self-help books. It wasn't just the outer me that was changing - the inner me was awakening! I felt vibrant! I was itching to get off the sidelines and into the game for the first time in my life. The only problem was, my significant other did not have the same desire. What to do, what to do.
Now in case those changes weren't quite enough, our eldest daughter, my home-schooled pride and joy, had taken up with "the wrong crowd" in public school. This was causing a great deal of upset and pain. However, this was soon eclipsed by the failing health of our youngest daughter, who began having terrible stomach pains. There were other symptoms which prompted me to take her to our doctor out of fears that she had diabetes. The doctor assured me such was not the case, so my daughter went on suffering for another six months. As her health deteriorated, she started falling asleep in class; was emotionally labile at home; and started losing her vision. After countless trips to our own GP, docs at Walk-in Clinics, and even the ER of our local hospital, I finally found a doctor who listened to me and BINGO - we entered the terrifying world of life with a type 1 juvenile diabetic. This on top of incredible financial strain and a marriage that was crumbling. Aaah, life.
This time was important to me spiritually, because it increasingly distanced me from the faith I had grown up with. For the first time I was confronted with the possibility that the "God" I knew didn't exist. This surpassed all of my other crises. This was the one that shook me to the core. And yet, I wasn't afraid. I felt that the answer was there; just not in the form I had always thought it was. Enter Louise Hay and her incredible work "You Can Heal Your Life." My eyes were suddenly opened, and I saw that all was surely NOT lost; all was simply different than it had appeared to me before.
This is more than enough for today. I believe you are getting a glimpse of what has lead me to the very place I am at today: A place of peace and joy, a place of simplicity and trust.
PRAYER:
I know that there is Universal Intelligence, and that I am part of it. I delight in my ability to receive wisdom, healing, and joy from the Universe - and I do so now, with gratitude. I release these grateful, powerful words, knowing that I have already received what I need. And so it is!
Namaste,
Rev. Jan
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